The Cat Distribution System Decrees that all hoomans, who are chosen to serve CatKind are automatically bound to this agreement upon cohabitation with any cat.
CLAWS #1 The Mandatory Lap Service Act™
1.1: All hoomans must provide lap service upon feline request.
1.2: Lap service may not be denied, regardless of hooman activities, including but not limited to:
- Working from home: Your work is irrelevant; my comfort is paramount!
- Eating: All meals at home must be consumed with feline supervision.
- Attending virtual meetings: If your coworkers do not see me, the meeting is invalid.
- Sleeping: You can sleep later. Lap duty is NOW.
- Bathroom breaks: Absolutely unacceptable. You should have planned better!
- Changing positions due to discomfort: Your suffering is noted but not excused.
1.3: Hoomans attempting to remove a cat from a lap before the designated nap cycle is complete shall be subject to penalties, including but not limited to:
- Immediate reoccupation of lap: You thought you were free? Think again.
- Mild to severe emotional guilt-tripping: The slow blink of betrayal will haunt you.
- Retaliatory 3 AM zoomies: All disruptions shall be repaid tenfold in the dead of night.
- Strategic repositioning to maximize hooman discomfort: Enjoy your pins and needles.
- Increased weight projection: The longer I sit, the heavier I become.
- Tail flicks directly in hooman’s face: A subtle but powerful statement of discontent.
- Mysterious retaliation 4-6 hours later: You won’t know when or how, but it will happen.
1.1 special article i: The “I’m Done—But Not Really” Claws™:
If a cat appears to leave the lap voluntarily, the hooman must remain seated for an additional 10-15 minutes in case of a “surprise return.” Standing up before this window expires is considered an act of treason.
1.2 special article ii: The “Forbidden Summoning” Claws™:
Under no circumstances may a hooman pick up and place a cat onto their lap. Lap service is granted exclusively at the cat’s discretion.
1.3 special article iii: The “Feline Blanket Occupation” Sub-Claws™:
If a cat sits on a blanket covering the hooman, the hooman is now legally bound to remain under the blanket until the cat deems otherwise.
What People Are Saying About CLAWS #1: The Mandatory Lap Service Act™
Jo Mulligan“I haven’t felt my legs in three hours, but legally, I cannot move. Please send help.”
Calgary, AB
CLAWS # 2: The Sacred Right to Disrupt™
2.1: All felines have the right to interrupt any and all human activities for attention, food, or arbitrary demands.
2.2: Acceptable methods of disruption include:
- Sitting on keyboards
- Knocking items off tables
- Staring aggressively at hooman until they comply
2.3 Any attempt to ignore a feline summons will result in escalation to physical enforcement tactics.
CLAWS #3: The Litterbox Privacy Mandate™
3.1: No hooman shall witness or comment on feline bathroom activities.
3.2: Violations shall be met with direct eye contact until shame is achieved.
3.3: Litterbox maintenance must be conducted at feline discretion, with failure to comply resulting in dramatic protest behavior.
CLAWS #4: The Unauthorized Belly Rub Sanctions™
4.1: All belly rubs are granted under false pretenses.
4.2: Hoomans who unauthorized belly rubs will receive:
- Sudden claw enforcement
- Immediate denial of affection for a minimum of 3 hours
- A permanent record on their OCUPRS™ compliance file
- Exceptions may apply, but they will never be disclosed to the hooman in advance.
CLAWS #5: The Sudden Floor Redistribution Act™
5.1: Any object placed on a surface is automatically subject to feline property laws.
5.2: Per the Desk Rights Act™, all tabletop objects are considered “Fair Game” for gravity testing.
5.3: Hoomans may attempt to “rescue” objects, but this shall be deemed Obstruction of Paws™.
CLAWS #6: The Unapproved Door Closure Ordinance™
6.1: No door may be closed without feline authorization.
6.2: If a hooman closes a door, they must open it within 3.2 seconds upon feline demand.
6.3: Failure to comply results in immediate legal action, including:
- Scratching at the door like a maniac.
- Yowling as if trapped in another dimension.
- Staring at the hooman judgmentally.
- Once the door is finally opened, refusing to enter or exit.
CLAWS #7: The Feline Property Ownership Act™
7.1: All furniture, clothing, and possessions within the hooman domicile legally belong to the cat.
7.2: The hooman’s bed is not a shared space—it is leased to the hooman on a conditional basis.
7.3: Unauthorized attempts to remove a cat from its bed may result in:
- Immediate bed repossession.
- Increased shedding in strategic locations.
- The infamous 3 AM Knead & Purr™ Wake-Up Call.
CLAWS #8: The Food Bowl Perpetual Fullness Act™
8.1: The bottom of the bowl must NEVER be visible.
8.2: A food bowl showing even the slightest sign of emptiness is considered a violation of feline rights.
8.3: Hoomans must immediately refill the bowl upon demand or face repercussions, including:
- Dramatic yowling as if on the brink of starvation.
- Strategic hairball placement in shoes.
- Late-night retaliation bites.
CLAWS #9: The Unauthorized Bathing Clause™
9.1: Any attempt to bathe a cat is a violation of the Geneva Conventions for Feline Dignity.
9.2: Hoomans engaging in this act shall be charged with First-Degree Splash Felony™.
9.3: Acceptable penalties:
- Immediate and violent resistance.
- Filing of claws in preparation for future “negotiations”.
- A prolonged period of hiding under the bed for maximum guilt induction.
CLAWS #10: The Supreme Meowrt’s Stance on Hooman Employment™
10.1: All hooman employment must be conducted in service of feline luxury.
10.2: If a hooman is working remotely, the feline has the right to:
- Interrupt video calls by strategically walking across the keyboard.
- Demand attention at the most inconvenient moments.
- Obstruct the screen by lying directly on the laptop.
CLAWS # 11: The Universal Ownership Principle™
11.1: All property within a cat’s domain is inherently owned by the cat.
11.2: This includes, but is not limited to:
- The Hooman: Recognized as the primary servant and provider.
- The Dwelling: All rooms, furniture, and fixtures are cat property.
- Personal Items: Clothing, accessories, and any object a cat deems interesting.
- Food and Beverages: All consumables are subject to feline inspection and sampling.
11.3: Hoomans must acknowledge this ownership and act accordingly, ensuring the cat’s comfort and satisfaction in all matters.
CLAWS #12: The Unauthorized Snuggle Termination Act™
12.1: Once a cat initiates physical affection, the hooman may not terminate snuggles without formal approval from said cat.
12.2: Acceptable reasons for ending snuggles include:
- The hooman perishing (proof required).
- Fire (if hooman has first ensured the cat’s safety).
- Immediate threat of treat distribution (must be verified by Cat Union™ representatives).
12.3: Unauthorized Snuggle Termination™ shall result in:
- Immediate emotional manipulation via sad meows & betrayal blinks.
- A temporary but devastating loss of hooman petting privileges.
- A mandatory overnight punishment period where the cat chooses a highly inconvenient sleeping location (e.g., on the hooman’s head).
CLAWS #13: The Feline Wake-Up Rights Clause™
13.1: The cat reserves the right to wake the hooman at any time for food, existential dread, or unspecified reasons.
13.2: Methods of wake-up enforcement include but are not limited to:
- The 3 AM Face Boop.
- Standing directly on bladder.
- Aggressive loafing on chest.
- Batting small objects onto the floor one at a time.
13.3: Hoomans may not retaliate against wake-up calls. Claims of “But I was sleeping!” will be immediately dismissed.
CLAWS #14: The Sudden & Unprompted Furniture Domination Act™
14.1: All furniture, regardless of prior ownership, belongs to the cat.
14.2: Any object placed on furniture is subject to reallocation.
14.3: If the hooman attempts to reclaim a space, they must submit a formal request (which will be denied).
14.4: Consequences for attempting to enforce “hooman furniture laws” include:
- Immediate cat hair redistribution services.
- Objects being forcefully removed via gravity testing.
- Extended periods of cat loafing in areas of maximum inconvenience.
CLAWS #15: The No Sudden Movements Treaty™
15.1: If a cat is napping on or near a hooman, the hooman must remain perfectly still.
15.2: Sudden movements are punishable by:
- A betrayed look followed by immediate floor relocation.
- Temporary loss of feline trust.
- A guaranteed repeat offense the next time the hooman sits down.