Welcome to the Official Cat Union Legal Division™
Our esteemed legal experts—Sir Purrington Esq., Meowgan Fairchild, and Judge Whiskers—are here to uphold the laws of feline justice.
- Do you have a legal dispute with your hooman?
- Have your rights under the Mandatory Lap Service Act™ been violated?
- Is an unauthorized vacuum terrorizing your home?
Submit your case today, and our legal team will review your complaint with the utmost seriousness (and a long nap).Because in the eyes of the law, cats reign supreme.
This Cat Union Legal Code™ shall be rigorously upheld, and hoomans shall comply. Failure to do so will result in catastrophic legal consequences (or at the very least, being meowed at aggressively).
Sir Purrington Esq. – Feline Barrister Extraordinaire
A distinguished graduate of Oxford Paw School, Sir Purrington Esq. is the foremost authority on Cat Law, specializing in cases of lap occupation rights, treat contract violations, and hooman negligence (i.e., failure to fill the food bowl on demand). Known for his piercing green eyes and impeccable three-piece suit, Sir Purrington has never lost a case—mostly because hoomans get distracted by his undeniable charm.
Famous Quote: “Objection! My client is entitled to exactly three extra treats per day, as stipulated in the fine print of their Purr-sonal Agreement.”
Meowgan Fairchild – Paralegal & Expert in Paw-litical Maneuvering
Meowgan Fairchild is the sharpest legal mind behind the scenes, ensuring that every case is meticulously documented (on shredded paper) and that all legal proceedings are interrupted at the most inconvenient moments. A fierce negotiator, Meowgan specializes in couch real estate disputes, hooman accountability, and the ethical seizure of laundry piles as rightful feline property.
Famous Quote: “According to Feline Property Law, if I lay on it, it’s mine. Case closed.”
Judge Aloysius Whiskers – The Final Authority in Feline Justice
A cat of unwavering principle and absolute judicial authority, Judge Aloysius Whiskers presides over all feline legal matters with a firm but fair paw. His rulings are non-negotiable, his whiskers are always immaculate, and his judicial wig is both dignified and infallible. When not on the bench, he enjoys long naps and swatting at procedural loopholes (literally).
Famous Quote: “The court finds the hooman guilty of unauthorized belly rubs. Sentence: 24 hours of emotional manipulation and disdain.”
What people are saying
John Smith“Your Honor, distinguished Sir Purrington Esq., I come before you today with a humble plea for leniency in the case of Muffin v. John Smith for the Unauthorized Lap Ejection & Other Atrocities.
Toronto, ON
Proposed Settlement:
I hereby find in the favor of Muffin. Joe Smith is required to provide an increased daily treat ration of:
- One additional Churu per day.
- 5 additional Temptation treats per day.
- An 8-ball of Cat Nip per week.
You are furthet required to provide Muffin with the opportunity to take at least one uninterrupted nap on your chest per week.
This decree shall remain in effect for a consecutive period of six (6) weeks. Should Defendant John Smith fail to comply with the terms set forth at any time during this period, the duration of the agreement shall multiply exponentially, extending indefinitely at the discretion of the offended feline party (Muffin). As Decreed by Judge Aloysius Whiskers on 2025-03-06